You have been on my mind a lot today. I am sure it is because it is Mother's day and without you, I may have an only child. Not that life would not have been complete with just Albany. But without you, I wouldn't have the privilege of raising this sweet blue eyed boy and this feisty, freckle nosed girl. Albany would not have grown in resilience, empathy and bravery the way she has.
There are so many things I wonder about. I wonder how you are doing. I wonder how often you think of Will and Suzie. I wonder about their little half sister. I wonder how badly your heart must ache on days like this.
Despite the negatives and the trauma that was caused because of you, my heart hurts for you. The deck was stacked against you in so many ways that was never fair. I hate that people weren't able to help you in a way that would have helped you overcome your disabilities, to get you into a safe environment, to provide you a sense of stability and health, and to teach you how to be a responsible parent. I am sorry you never had a chance to watch them grow up, to see them become more independent and to succeed.
I remember your face clearly at the termination of parental rights. Even though there was a lot of chatter from your family members directed at my husband and I, you seemed somewhat at peace that it was in the best interest of the kids for you to let them go so they could get out of the family and dysfunction that you were raised in. So they could be adopted. So they could have a chance.
Some people act like we are heroes or saviors. We aren't and we are humbled by the realization that we had something you never did. Privilege.
Both my parents and Andrew's have stayed together. They created safe, stable environments for us to be raised in. They were aware and involved enough to try to protect us from those who would try to steal our innocence or take advantage of us. And while being protective isn't always enough, we were fortunate that nothing happened anyway. Education and hard work were modeled for us and we were encouraged to be our best selves. We were raised in families where at least our basic needs were met and we always knew we had a safe place to stay, meals to fill our bellies, and medical care.
The way I was raised was completely out of my control. If I hadn't been given that foundation, who knows where I would be or what I would be like. I do know from conversations that you were not provided these same opportunities or privileges. I am sorry for that, because it seems like that it all kind of led you to an impossible situation.
I am thankful that you ultimately had their best interest in mind, at least towards the end. I pray that you are at peace and know that your babies are taken care of to the best of our ability. They have an amazing big sister who provides so much love, nurturing, forgiveness and grace to them. I also pray that those in your life now help you to be the strongest and healthiest you.
I will forever be grateful to you that you brought these amazing children into the world. I promise not to take it for granted or to miss out on the sacrifice and heartache that you have endured.