I've never been a long term vision person. while other kids were dreaming about being ballerinas or astronauts, teachers or baseball players, I was dreaming about... well, I don't know what I was dreaming about. To be truthful, I was probably daydreaming. :-) I remember telling my mom at age 6 that I wanted to be a preacher. She never told me I couldn't, but she told me that it wouldn't happen in the church we were at. I continued to "preach" to my stuffed animals and "baptize" my friends in the swimming pool growing up, but I always wondered if something was wrong with me. At 18, God got a hold of my life and at age 19, I knew He was calling me into full time ministry. I fought the thought of following my mom's footsteps into children's ministry and spent a summer and a year interning with different ministries. Despite the thought of being a missionary in India just to avoid following my mom, I discovered my passion was undeniably children's ministry. For the past 9 years, I've worked in children's ministry.
Things began to change a few years ago. I was super blessed with a pastor in Oklahoma who continued to push me out of my comfort zone and to encourage me to follow the desires God had given me. He sent me and his wife to the Gifted to Lead conference with Nancy Beach. It was incredible and showed me that God did not make a mistake when He made me and gave me the gifts and desires that He has given me. As I began to study, I realized that while what I was doing was my passion, God had something different in store for me. Everything I was doing was preparing me for that time and I was content to wait on Him to show me what it was.
Recently I've been reading Craig Groeschel's book Chazown. At the same time I was listening to Steven Furtick's Sun Stand Still sermons. They both rocked my world. I realized it had been awhile since I had really prayed about vision. I had noticed my passion for children's ministry had begun to wane. I still enjoy it, but the passion I had for it once, is just not the same. So I began to pray. It seemed like everything I read, whether a book, blog, or Bible, all was bringing up some of the same questions. A quote from Steven Furtick continued to bother me. He said, "If the size of the vision for your life is not intimidating to you, chances are it's insulting to God." I didn't really have that much vision, let alone one big enough to be intimidating. So I began to pray even harder. What was it God had for me? What am I supposed to accomplish in this life? What was I made for? I didn't want to run ahead of Him, but I want to feel that passion again, knowing that I'm doing exactly what I was created for.
Last weekend, we were helping some friends move. Well, Andrew was helping them move, I just went over for pizza when it was over. ;-) This friend told us that while they didn't have a home owner's association they had a neighborhood covenant. Basically things like, I'll keep my yard up, take care of pests, etc. Except there was a line in the document that to live in the neighborhood, you had to be Caucasian. I was too shocked to even say anything. He also shared he had been a little irritated when a new neighbor had suggested he hire a couple *racially insensitive term*s to do some of the work. Again, wow! It bothered me all night and I found myself in tears Saturday night just thinking about it. It just amazes me that in 2011, we still have that kind of segregation and hate.
Sunday, my heart was still so heavy. Andrew asked me what was going on and while crying I just let it all out. Every bit of it. Between the tears and ranting, I was reminded of something from Craig Groeschel. He said that often when searching for your passion, people ask you what do you love, but he posed the question, what makes you mad, what ticks you off? He said that often it reveals what you are passionate about. It was right that minute that it was crystal clear and I announced, "I know what I'm supposed to do! I have my vision! I know what my passion is!" Andrew listened as I shared my heart. There have been few times in my life I have been that sure that God was speaking right to me and it was Him undeniably leading me!
God has revealed to me that I am to start a church or help be a part of an existing church that breaks barriers down. Color, gender, income level, size, past, it does not matter, the only thing that matters is that people can gather together and worship and grow! When I shared my vision with Andrew, he began to point out some of the difficulties. While I know there will be many difficulties ahead, I reminded him that if God was calling me to it, He was was going to provide everything I needed. Then I shared with him a reoccurring thought I've had. If the Bible was still being written, would you be able to say that you lived your life so passionately, so full of faith, and allowed God to accomplish the impossible through you, that your story made it in the Bible? I don't want to settle for good enough, or even what I'm naturally good at. I want God to stretch me and use me for more than I can fathom. When I was finished, Andrew smiled at me and said, "Fair enough! Whatever God calls you to do, I will be there to support you."
As I shared this new vision with a few people yesterday, while I was looking for anyone's approval, I was very encouraged. Then last night... I had shared with my friend, Jay, on the way to Birmingham to attend the
Basement. (I'm so excited and fired up, I'm having a hard time NOT telling people.) When we arrived worship was just beginning and we couldn't find the group we were meeting, so we grabbed seats in the back. Within the first 10 minutes, I was looking around at people of all ages, all colors, all backgrounds, all worshiping God together and it was as if something inside of me wanted to scream, "This is what church should look like!!!" And I felt a confirmation in my spirit, this is what I was created to do. This is my vision.
